


Stygian Dreams

by Sarcasmcat



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-30
Updated: 2012-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-02 17:55:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarcasmcat/pseuds/Sarcasmcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After losing his lover Sidney has a hard time adjusting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stygian Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> After the death of a close family member I had to write and this is what came out. Written fairly quickly so any mistakes are mine and mine alone.

“Alex! Fuck no!”

Sidney pats Alex’s cheek, heedless of the blood sticking to his fingers and smearing across his lover’s cheek. His other hand is tight to the wound on Alex’s neck and he presses harder, trying to staunch the flow despite the fact it’s slowed to a trickle and he can no longer feel the strong beat under his fingers.

He can hear the sirens in the distance and knows it doesn’t matter whether they come or not.

Alex is gone. His chest has ceased to move and his eyes are closed, mouth slack with a final exhalation.

People are gathering around, smothering him but he doesn’t move, one hand still tight like if he just holds on long enough Alex might come back to him.  
There’s a sound of yelling and he ignores it, hunched over Alex, bloody fingers moving down the crook of Alex’s nose.

Someone kneels next to him, a voice low and sympathetic in his ear. He shakes his head and fights when the person tries to pull him away. 

Suddenly another person is at his other side and he only vaguely recognizes them as police. He’s much more focused on the paramedics crouching over Alex. He can’t hear what the two men are saying but he knows the truth when the older one shakes his head. 

Alex is gone.

He elbows one of the cops hard enough to knock the wind out of him even through his vest and Sidney twists away from their grip. He shoves the paramedics aside, fingers twisting into Alex’s shirt. “You can’t take him!”

The cops grab him again and he fights against their unrelenting hold on him, ignoring the yells and flashing cameras. Bad publicity doesn’t matter. They’re trying to take Alex away from him and he can’t let them. Alex means too much to him.

Finally they get him pinned down and one of the paramedics, with kind eyes sedates him, telling him how sorry he is.

Sidney shakes his head and tells the man to fuck off. There’s no way he can understand how he’s feeling.

Everything after that is a blur. He vaguely remembers seeing his family and most of the team. Geno becomes a steady presence in his life, always over, keeping an eye on him.

It’s one of the days Geno is stupid enough to trust his lies, believe the bullshit he’s been spouting about feeling better and goes to practice, that Sidney first gets the knife. He doesn’t want to kill himself. If he does he won’t get to remember Alex and that’s the last thing Sidney wants. 

He wants Alex back but that’s not possible so he has to content himself with memories. When Geno gets home he’s in the bathroom, legs and arms bloody, the knife next to him.

That leads to his first stint in the hospital but it doesn’t last long. Somehow he manages to convince his psychiatrist that he’s fine and for once he’s happy he can manage bland so well.

The second time, it’s a single cut, longer and deeper and it’s enough to get him committed.

There’s only once at the hospital he tries anything but the orderlies catch him.

\-----  
Something brushes across his cheek and Sidney presses his face into the pillow.

“Sid. Time to get up. Much to do today.”

Sudden realization sets in and Sidney sits upright, twisting to look at the person next to him. It’s Alex, dressed in a ratty T-shirt and shorts, hair a wild mess, grinning brightly and Sidney jumps at his lover, curling into the powerful body, arms tight around Alex’s neck.

Alex’s tighten around him, pulling him close and Sidney presses frantic kisses to the curve of Alex’s cheek. “Oh fuck Alex. I thought you were gone. There was so much blood and I couldn’t stop it and I can’t stand to lose you.”

One of Alex’s hands cups the back of his head, curling into his hair and rubbing at his scalp. “Already lost me Sidney.”

Heart catching in his chest Sidney pulls back until he can see Alex, the serious set of his face, brows pulled together as he frowns. “No! You’re here, alive. Nothing happened.”

Alex cants his head to the side and Sidney can see it, the long, deep wound, raw at the edges and Sidney scrambles to get away but Alex holds him close, voice a calming litany and no matter how hard he struggles he can’t escape.

\-----

Sidney wakes with a scream and shoves the entangling blankets away. He looks around the room and buries his face in his hands, rocking back and forth as he swallows down the screams trying to escape. 

The room is the same, plain pale blue with a window overlooking the courtyard, the mesh covering the glass dappling patterns across the floor from the morning sunshine. The sheets are plain cotton, worn soft with repeated washings, as are the plain pajamas he wears.

There’s nothing in the room he can hurt himself with though it took time for them to learn that. He has plenty of scars on his arms and legs, long and healed though sometimes he still presses and he can almost feel the hurt, a bare whisper of what it was to lose Alex, to have his partner, lover, mate bleed out because a fucking crack junkie needed another hit.

Pressing his back into the corner and ignoring the uncomfortable pressure of the metal rail shoved against his kidney Sidney gets a hand under his pajama shirt and presses against the long scar on his abdomen until tears come to his eyes, until he knows a bruise is going to form. 

It still isn’t anything compared to the ache he can’t get away from no matter how hard he tries.


End file.
